The Ties that Bind
by Black Goddess
Summary: Set between season 4&5. Willow dies and, in trying to cope with her death, Xander remembers some old friends and makes some new ones. Angel/Xander SLASH *complete*
1. Crisis

The Ties that Bind  
By the Black Goddess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am not connected with Buffy in any way, I don't make any money from this and I don't mean any offence.  
  
Authors notes: SLASH. Man on man in other words - specifically Angel/Xander. Don't like, don't read. Contains character death.  
Set between seasons four and five. What would Xander have done if Willow had died?   
I wrote this before I saw season five (so about two years ago now!) but hadn't got round to typing it up. I'm very interested in knowing what you think, so REVIEW please!  
  
  
Dead. Flat, cold, final. Unemotional, but surrounded with emotions.   
Everyone thought I'd be the first to die but no such luck. With my luck I'll probably go on for years, watching the others die violently one by one, and I'll be the only one left at the end and have to suffer the guilty knowledge that I should have died. I never thought I'd feel any sympathy with Deadboy but that's probably what it will be like for him, watching everyone around him wither and die while he remains physically unchanged.  
I don't know if I can cope, to be honest. My life will be totally different without her. Willow was a good friend of mine for years. In a way, I already am the only one left. Everyone forgot Jesse. In the excitement of Buffy's arrival and the complete destruction of our old lives, the destruction of Jesse's life passed almost without remark. Jesse was my best friend. Willow tagged along, but what Jesse and I had was different, just like what Willow and Buffy had, though then it was me on the outside. Most of the time I didn't notice, but then it did happen gradually. One minute, Willow and I were old pals and Buffy was the new girl, then one day it's Buffy and Willow: friends forever and I was the one on the outside.  
Willow and I rarely talked about Jesse. He was the first vampire I staked. A totally 'life-changing' experience, watching your best friend's body explode into ashes. Jesse's 'death' haunts me and now Willow's gone I'm the only one to remember 'the Three Musketeers' and when I die, no one will remember him at all. Jesse never graduated. He never took any SATS, never got to do so many things. It isn't fair. On that night in the cemetery, why did he get taken and not me? Why did he die? I've spent years trying to find an answer but I've never succeeded, only made myself angry at the injustice of the world.  
The Scooby Gang will drift apart now. It was really Willow keeping it together, she still wanted to see me even if Buffy forgot me and Giles. My position is strangely similar to his. Both of us are almost spare parts for Buffy now, and more so now Willow's gone. She was the only thing holding me to Giles and Buffy and now she's gone I'm adrift. I have no steady job, things with Anya aren't so wonderful that they're worth staying for so why am I still here? I feel like I'm going mad. Maybe I'm dying. Willow!  
  
Xander threw back his head and screamed the last word. He had cried so much in the last few days but he knew he would never stop grieving for he. He collapsed on the bed in desperate sobs, crying until he was nearly sick before lapsing into an exhausted sleep.   
  
When he awoke it was with a pounding headache. His face felt stiff, covered in tearstains and a growth of beard. Going to wash, he stared at his bloodshot eyes in the mirror and came to a snap decision. He knew it had been coming, even before Willow died. Now there was even more reason to go. Going back into his room, he threw a couple of T-shirts and some jeans into a bag and scribbled a note for Giles, telling the others what he was doing. Then he left, going first to Giles' to drop off the note and then to LA.  
  
Cordelia was humming along to the radio when the office door opened.   
"Wesley, finally!" she said without turning around. "You better have brought the right donuts!" Turning to take the donuts from him, she realised with a shock that it wasn't Wesley.   
At first she didn't recognise him; this tall, dark man with hollow, deadened eyes and sunken cheeks covered in a three or four day old beard. Then:  
"Xander!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" Xander gave her a slightly blank look, then shrugged and sat down on the couch.  
"Hey!" objected Cordelia. The look she received in response sent her back to her filing, but this time she worked in silence.  
Ten minutes later Wesley came in, carrying donuts. He saw Xander and frowned.  
"What's wrong?" he asked.  
"That's what I'd like to know!" exploded Cordelia. "He just walked in here and sat down. He hasn't said a word!"  
"What's all the commotion?" asked Angel, appearing suddenly at the top of the stairs. "Oh, hello Xander," he said, not sounding surprised. "Come on through." Xander stood up and walked into the office. As the door clicked shut behind them, the two left in the reception area stared at each other, wide-eyed. Then Cordelia shrugged and helped herself to a donut before going back to her filing.  
  
  
I don't really know why I chose him. Of all the people I know he's the one I've made the most attempt to avoid, and the number of snide remarks and jokes I've made about him is probably only equalled by the number I've made about Cordelia, and yet here I am, about to trust him with my innermost thoughts. Maybe it's because of Buffy. Part of me still loves her and always will. She saw something in him and maybe somewhere I think that anyone she loves must be worthy. Maybe it's because death is worse for him than for anyone else because he will never die. I don't know. I don't seem to know anything any more. He isn't saying anything, just watching me. He doesn't seem to mind that I've sat here for five minutes without speaking. I don't know speak because I don't know where to start. Does he know Willow's dead? If he does, does Cordelia? She can't know, even Cordelia couldn't be that insensitive! He's still looking at me. He seems to understand.   
"Nobody noticed when Jesse died." I inform him. His face seems to twitch slightly but it goes back to normal so fast that I'm not sure whether anything really happened or whether I'm imagining it. He has no reason to feel guilty about that. I'd never even met him when Jesse died. Why have I started with Jesse? This isn't about him any more. Nothing is about him any more.  
"He was my best friend. I was closer to Jesse than to anyone else. Willow was a good friend but it was different when I was with Jesse.   
It was the first day of school, the day we met Buffy. Vampires took Jesse and Willow. I went with Buffy to try and find them. We freed Willow but Jesse was lost. We tried to find him, but he was changed before we could reach him. I was the one who staked him, my childhood friend, at the Harvest. Buffy never mentioned him again. It was almost as if he'd never been. She'd only known him a day but she could have said something, anything! I'd watched the body of my best friend explode into dust because of something I did and no one said anything! I bet if I said his name to Buffy now, she wouldn't remember who he was. I know that's not fair to her, but... She came and Jesse left. Vampires destroyed my world and no one noticed!" He flinches slightly but I continue anyway, words continuing to flow from me in an unstoppable torrent. I've been waiting for years to say this, after all.  
"Maybe that's why I didn't like you. Not only did Buffy prefer you to me but you were a vampire, one of those who'd taken my life and my friend and destroyed them both, sending everything spiralling out of control."  
I realised tears were pouring down my face but I needed to finish before I could wipe them away.  
"Now Willow's dead." I said softly. I saw a look of confirmed suspicions in his eyes, combined with a deep sorrow. "The only other person who knew him nearly as well as I did and she's gone. It's like he died again and all the crying I didn't do then has caught up with me. Now I can't talk about him any more. There were memories shared only by the three of us. Now Willow and Jesse are dead, all that remains of them is memories. And Willow has other people to remember her. Willow has a grave!  
Jesse never had a grave. He was taken from the Bronze that night and changed immediately. The next time I saw him he was a vampire and that night I staked him. He'd only been missing a day. His parents never saw a body. For all they knew, their son ran away and maybe for them he's still out there somewhere, punishing them for some imagined crime by not telling them that he's alive and OK. I had to tell them that I didn't think that he'd be coming back. I had to say that I didn't know where he was, that I didn't know what reason he'd have to run away or where he might have gone. I knew he was dead but I couldn't say it and it hurt. I feel like I betrayed him, by letting him die and by lying to them. I've wondered over the years whether I should write them an anonymous note telling them that he's dead, not saying where or when but letting them know that they can stop waiting for their little boy because he's never coming home."  
Angel didn't seem embarrassed by the tears pouring down my face. He didn't look bored by my guilt-filled outpourings, hidden for four years but now being freed with unquenchable force.  
"What happens now, Angel?" I asked him. "Willow held us all together, me and Buffy and Giles. Now she's gone, what will happen to us? I've always been spare and Giles has almost outlived his usefulness since she started college. Without Willow to keep us in contact with her, will we even see her?" I choked there, and had to pause for a second before I could continue.  
"She was the last to remember Jesse. She was the glue that held us together. Now she's gone and I have nothing. Nothing! Oh, Willow!" I sobbed, burying my face in hands and crying big, heaving sobs that felt as thought they'd tear me apart. I knew the others could hear them, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more.   
Suddenly I felt strong arms surround me, pulling me close. I let myself relax into that strong body and took the comfort he offered. I cried myself to sleep in his embrace.  
  
Angel cradled Xander in his arms, tears flowing down his own face from Xander's despair and his own sorrow at Willow's death. When he realised that Xander was asleep he positioned him more securely on the chair and walked out of the office.   
Both Cordelia and Wesley swung round at his appearance, mouths open to ask what was going on. Seeing the tear tracks on Angel's face however, neither of them said a word.   
"Willow's dead." he said bluntly. "Xander will be staying here for a while." Without waiting to witness their response he headed down the stairs to prepare a room for Xander.  
Cordelia and Wesley looked at each other.  
"Poor Xander," said Cordelia thoughtfully. "He and Willow have been friends for like, forever."  
"I wonder how Buffy's taken the news," pondered Wesley. "They were very close - I hope it doesn't affect her abilities."  
At that point, Angel re-emerged from his apartment. Without speaking he headed into the office, coming out again with a sleeping Xander in his arms and carrying him gently down to his apartment to be installed in the bed.  
  
I don't know how long I was asleep but when I awoke I was in Angel's bed. He had removed my jacket and shoes but otherwise I was fully dressed. I just lay there for a while, eyes closed, enjoying the comfort of the bed. I could hear pages turning so I knew Angel was with me and I was safe. I knew it was him, partly because I couldn't hear anyone breathing.  
I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was sitting there, reading in French. He seemed to know I was looking at him because he looked at me.  
"How are you?" he asked.   
"Better," I answered. It's true. I feel that as long as I stay here in Angel's bed, none of it will ever have happened and everything will be all right.   
"You can stay here as long as you need to," he tells me. "You won't have to go back until you're ready."  
"Thank you,"  
"Do you want something to eat?"  
I nod and sit up. I realise that I really do need to shave so I get up and go to my duffel bag.   
"Anywhere I can get rid of my chin fur?" I ask. He smiles and directs me to the bathroom.  
"When I emerge, clean-shaven and feeling much more in control, Angel calls me through to the kitchen. Cordelia and Wesley are there and they just give me these looks, like I might break. I give them a weak grin and sit down.  
  
The meal was tense. Wesley wasn't sure what to do, Xander ate almost in silence, Cordelia was obviously bubbling over with questions and Angel just sat there, watching Xander.  
Luckily, the uncomfortable atmosphere was broken by the ringing of the phone. Cordelia leapt up to answer it.  
Presently she reappeared, looking subdued.  
"Angel, it's Giles. He wants to speak to you." Angel stood up and went to the phone without a word.  
"So," said Cordelia brightly. "How long are you staying for?"  
"I don't know," replied Xander. "Angel says I can stay for as long as I want to."  
"How come you came here anyway? I thought you and Angel hated each other?" Cordelia asked curiously. Xander shrugged, took another bite of toast and said thoughtfully  
"I guess I'm here because I knew he'd understand when no one else would."  
"Oh," said Cordelia. "I'm sorry about Willow," she said quietly. Xander nodded.  
"Things will never be the same again." he said softly.  
At that point, Angel walked back into the room.  
"He rang to tell me that the funeral's in two weeks," he informed Xander gently. "They're normally sooner but it's a murder investigation after all. It'll be closed casket."  
"It'd have to be," said Xander flatly. "It chewed up her face."  
"Yuck! That sounds gross!" exclaimed Cordelia.  
"It's even worse to see." said Xander. The meal finished in silence.  
  
After the others had gone back to their apartments, Angel looked at Xander.  
"What do you want to do?"  
"Now or ever?" quipped Xander.  
"Either," said Angel. "There's time for you to answer both."  
"I'd like to stay here until the funeral," said Xander. "Would that be OK?"  
"Sure. I told you, you can stay as long as you want to."  
"Thanks," said Xander gratefully. "As for what I'd like to do this very minute, I don't know."  
"We should go somewhere. If we stay here you'll dwell on things." pointed out Angel.  
"True," agreed Xander. "I thought you liked brooding though?"  
"I'm trying to get over it," grimaced Angel. "Cordelia says it's anti-social."  
"I won't comment! Where do you want to go?"  
"Nowhere you have to dance!" said Angel emphatically. "I know some quietish bars though, where the music isn't too bad."  
"We'll go to one of those then." Xander said decisively. Both men collected jackets and as they were heading out of the door, Xander asked thoughtfully,  
"Do I trust your taste in music? Spike has extreme taste. Are you taking me to a punk bar or something?"  
"Nope. You aren't dressed for it anyway and besides, I will not be held responsible for Spike's taste in music."  
"Just wondering."  
  
When they arrived at the bar, Angel ordered them both a beer and they headed for a table.  
"This place doesn't actually look that bad," Xander commented, taking a sip of the beer and grimacing slightly at the taste. "How did you find it?"  
Angel took note of the grimace and grinned to himself, resolving not to let Xander drink too much as he obviously wasn't used to it.  
"Doyle showed it to me,"  
"Who's Doyle?"  
"Doyle was my, erm, helper, before Wesley. He died."  
"Sorry. He had good taste in pubs though."  
"Yeah, this place isn't bad. He didn't like it much here though," Angel grinned slightly. "It was a bit quiet for him. This is the one he thought I'd like."  
"Well, you do so he was right."  
"That's true."  
The two lapsed into silence for a while. Angel eventually ordered them another drink and after a while, Xander said,  
"D'you know anywhere I might get a job? I need the money."  
"They might need bar staff here - you could ask and see. Do you have any experience?"  
"Yup. I worked in a bar near the college one time. I also worked in one over the summer."  
"Do you still work near the college?"  
"No. Giles made me resign after I served Buffy even though I knew she was underage and she and these frat boys got turned into cave people."  
"What?" asked Angel incredulously.  
"I know. I promised I wouldn't serve her again but he made me quit anyway. Said that I could work for someone who would put stuff in the beer. Besides, it burnt down."  
"Why didn't I know about this?"  
"Dunno. It wore off and there was no harm done except to the building and the guy she hit over the head with a big stick so I guess we just never mentioned it."  
"Anything else happen to Buffy?"  
"Nope,"  
"So, get me up to date on the Sunnydale gossip."  
"You want gossip? Doesn't seem like something you'd be interested in!"  
"Call it keeping my ear to the ground and being aware and tell me anyway." Xander laughed.  
"Well, Oz left. Oz came back. Oz left again. Trying to control his inner wolf or something. Willow got a girlfriend while he was away, which might go some way to explaining why he left again. The Initiative got shut down and we killed Adam. Spike's still hanging around, betraying everyone and pissing us all off."  
"Betraying you?"  
"He tried to join Adam to get his chip removed." explained Xander helpfully. "He tried to set us all against each other."  
"What chip?" asked Angel in confusion.  
"The Initiative got him and stuck a chip in his head. He got away before they did any other similar experiments on him but he can't harm humans now so he can't feed. Giles seems to feel sorry for him and occasionally gives him money. He's now harmless to humans, unless he tries to set everyone against each other, scare you into giving him money or bores you to death."  
"He must hate that."  
"He's happier now he knows he can hurt demons." Xander's face suddenly lit up as he had a brilliant idea. "We could send him to you! He'd like it here! Lots of new people to annoy, lots of bars.."  
"I don't think so," said Angel quickly. "I value my peace and quiet!"  
"Do you get any up here?" Angel ordered a third pint each and began to tell Xander about it. To both their surprise, the two talked happily on a variety of subjects though both carefully did not mention Willow and Doyle. After four leisurely pints each, Angel decided it was time to go.  
"Come on," he said. "You need to get some sleep."  
"Sure," said Xander. He stood up and swayed slightly. "Woah, head rush!" he giggled. Angel grabbed their jackets and Xander followed him out.  
The two walked home in silence. Xander thought vaguely that he'd quite enjoyed the evening. Angel wasn't really bad company and he'd helped him forget.   
When they got back to the apartment, Angel poured them both a cup of coffee from the machine. Xander switched on the TV and the pair watched the end of a film in companionable silence.  
"You can have the bed," said Angel after a while. "You need to sleep properly and you won't do that on a couch."  
"Thanks," said Xander gratefully. He was too tired to argue. "Do you mind if I sleep now?"  
"Nope. Goodnight Xander."  
"Night Angel. Thanks."  
"It's OK. Sleep well."  
"You too."  
  
  
There's the first part! REVIEW, and the second part is already written so I'll post it soon! 


	2. Conflict

The Ties that Bind   
Part 2  
By the Black Goddess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am not connected with Buffy in any way, I don't make any money from this and I don't mean any offence.  
  
Authors notes: SLASH. Man on man in other words - specifically Angel/Xander. Don't like, don't read. Contains character death.  
Set between seasons four and five. What would Xander have done if Willow had died? REVIEW please!  
  
Over the next few days a pattern was formed. Angel and Xander took it in turns to have the bed. Xander got himself a job in a bar so he was mostly working nights. If he didn't have a case, Angel would come in and talk to him. It was a routine that both of them were comfortable with. Angel found that it was nice to share his apartment with someone. Xander was similar to Doyle in some ways and Angel found that he was beginning to form a friendship with Xander that went some way to filling the gap created when Doyle died. Xander found Angel's presence reassuring. He felt safe when Angel was around, and knowing that he understood and wanted to help him meant a lot to Xander. His jokes were beginning to make a reappearance and he gradually became more talkative as Angel's presence comforted him.  
  
"It's the funeral in two days," said Xander one evening.  
"Are you going?" asked Angel.  
"I've got to! She was my best friend!"  
"I just meant that you don't have to. If you think it will help you then go, if it'll make things worse then you don't have to go."  
"I'm going. Jesse didn't have a funeral after all, somehow the least I can do is go to Willow's."  
"Do you want me to come with you?" asked Angel.  
"The funeral's in the daytime." Xander looked tempted, but added, "Besides, what about your business?"  
"It can look after itself for a day or so," Angel told him. "Besides, Sunnydale's quite close. I can come right back if there's a problem."  
"Yeah," said Xander, sounding reassured. "You could stay in my basement."  
"Yeah. It's no trouble for me - if you need me, I'll come." promised Angel.  
"I'd really appreciate it." Xander admitted. "What it I fall apart? I'm not sure I can do this," he confided.  
"You're stronger than you think you are. Trust yourself. Besides, you won't be the only one crying."  
  
This was true. Xander never knew how he got through the service without collapsing. Tears poured down his face through the whole thing and he felt as if he was going to break apart. His world was melting. Buffy was sobbing into Riley's arms, Tara's shoulders were shaking. Using all his strength, Xander kept himself together, just. The church was quite full. Willow had tutored a lot of people and those that had known her had liked her.  
When the day was finally over, Xander said goodbye to the others, promising them he'd come round to Giles' the next evening before walking back to his basement.  
"How did it go?" asked Angel, as soon as he walked through the door. He had jumped up when the door opened and so was able to catch Xander when the strain caught up with him and his knees buckled. Angel carried him to the bed. Xander stared up at him for a moment and then began to cry. Not the hysterical crying of when he had first come to Angel but completely abandoned, desolate crying. Angel wrapped his arms around him and pulled him onto his lap. Xander clung to him and sobbed. Angel stroked his back and made comforting noises, rocking him gently back and forwards. When he had cried himself out Xander lay quietly, enjoying feeling so safe and the touch of Angel's hand on his back. He looked up at Angel, slightly surprised by how close they were. If he just leaned up slightly, he could kiss him.....  
And then he was kissing him and Angel was kissing him back, not fiercely but gently and with so much promise that Xander found himself trembling.  
When Angel broke the kiss, Xander leaned straight in for another. Angel moved back slightly, out of Xander's way.  
"This isn't a good idea." Angel said softly. "You're upset."  
"I know what I'm doing! Please Angel..."  
"It's too soon Xander," Angel told him gently. "You need time to heal, from Willow and from Jesse. Anything we start now will fall apart." Xander looked down, thinking hard. Eventually, he nodded, looking up into the other man's dark eyes.  
"Hold me?" he asked pleadingly. Angel nodded, leaning back on the bed and pulling Xander to him, just holding him in silence until Xander fell asleep.  
  
The next evening, Xander went round to Giles'. Angel had gone to Willie's bar for some blood and had told Xander he'd go patrolling after that as Buffy probably wouldn't want to.   
When Xander walked into Giles', he was not surprised to be the first there.   
"Hey Giles," he said, not as cheerfully as usual but making a definite effort to be cheerful.  
"Good evening Xander. Tea?"  
"OK. Anything but coffee!" Xander replied. "At Angel's there's nothing but coffee and it's making me ill!"  
"It was kind of him to let you stay." Giles observed, walking into the kitchen.  
"Yeah. We get on better now." Xander told him.  
"Who do?" asked Buffy, walking into the lounge. She looked drawn and pale and was clutching Riley's hand tightly. Almost for the first time, Xander noticed how much weight she'd lost, how he could nearly see the outline of bones in her hands.  
"Hi Buffy," he said quietly. He wasn't really sure what to say, and for the first time he wondered whether this was because there was nothing to say. Maybe he'd been right when he'd told Angel that Willow was the glue that held them together and without her they'd break apart. And maybe it was time. People grew apart as they got older, he knew that, and maybe it was time for the Scooby gang to dissolve. Not break up, just loosen the ties that bound them and free them all.  
"Who do?" Buffy repeated.  
"Who do what?" asked Xander in surprise.  
"You said 'get along better now' and I said 'Who do?' See?"  
"Yep. Well, actually I hear, but I hear and obey oh mistress."  
"Can't you ever be serious?" snapped Buffy. "The funeral was yesterday and you're already back to normal."  
"No I'm not." Xander said quietly, threat warnings evident in his voice. "I've known Willow for years, longer than you have. She was my best friend and if you think I'd forget her so fast then you don't know me, Buffy."  
"Come on, take it easy you two," said Riley quickly. "Everyone's upset and everyone deals with things differently."  
"And some people don't deal at all," mumbled Buffy. Xander shot her a killer glare but the argument was postponed by the arrival of Giles with the tea.  
After the tea had been poured and the biscuits shared out, an awkward silence fell.  
"So," said Xander, feigning a brightness he did not feel, "Anyone see 'Friends' last night?"  
"How can you be so heartless?" Buffy asked, dissolving into tears. "Willow's barely buried!"  
"Well, I'm not sure why we're here," explained Xander, dropping the light tone and allowing his sorrow and confusion to fill his voice. "I mean, is this a 'Willow was a great person, let's talk about her and cry' gathering or is it a 'now Willow's gone, her share of the research needs to be shared out' occasion?"   
There was a pause.  
"A bit of both, I believe," said Giles when the silence threatened to become awkward again. "Evil does not end because someone dies and Willow's efforts in the research department were considerable."  
"No one can replace Willow," said Buffy.  
"I know, and I do understand," said Giles softly, "but at the same time I know that her efforts during times of crisis must be maintained."  
"I can't think about that," said Buffy. "All I know is that she's gone."  
"Are you OK Buff? You look all thin and pale." Xander asked in concern.  
"I've gained weight since she died!" snapped Buffy.  
"Oh," said Xander. 'Yikes!' he thought, 'It must be longer than I thought since I last saw her.' He looked at her thoughtfully and was amazed by the change. She had changed from the vibrant, curvaceous fifteen-year-old he'd first known into a scraggy twenty-year-old, eroded, perhaps, by her calling and the pressure of a life which she was determined to make normal or perhaps by something else. He could barely recognise this girl, the curvy, cheerful fifteen-year-old whom he'd had a major crush on not even a shadow in this stranger's eyes. With a strange shock of realisation, Xander saw that he no longer desired this gaunt stranger, no longer required her approval. And with that realisation came further knowledge.  
"I'm leaving," he announced into the pause.  
"But we've only just got here!" protested Buffy. "Surely Willow deserves more than a quick cuppa of remembrance?"  
"She does," said Xander, anger growing inside him at this further insinuation of heartlessness, "but I'll grieve in my own way in my own time Buffy. Just because you're grieving here and now doesn't mean I have to. Besides, that's not what I meant."  
"At least I cared!" snapped Buffy. "You don't seem to be affected at all by her death. Ever since I got here it's been nothing but nothing but jokes and smart comments. Anyone'd think it was a pet that'd died, not your best friend!"  
"Just because I'm not crying right this second doesn't mean I don't care," yelled Xander, all attempt at staying calm abandoned. "But I guess you're too self-absorbed to notice other people's suffering, aren't you Buffy?"  
"Me, self-absorbed? My best friend has just died and you're calling me self-absorbed? You didn't even notice that I'd put on weight!"  
"You look like a skeleton - how am I supposed to notice? Any weight you put on can only be an improvement!"  
"Is this really the time for this?" interjected Giles. Buffy and Xander both ignored him.  
"Just because I don't like to make a public fuss when my best friends die doesn't mean I don't care. I just prefer to grieve quietly, in my own time." Xander snapped.  
"Because you've had so much practice." said Buffy sarcastically.  
"I have. Jesse was my best friend, remember him? The guy we went through the sewers to rescue before the Harvest?. Jesse, my best friend. One day alive, the next undead and the next the first vampire I killed and someone never to be mentioned again. I grieved quietly for him and I'll grieve quietly for her."  
"You've still no right to call me self-absorbed."  
"Remember that full moon night, Buffy? When I walked in on you and Angel quarrelling in the mansion, asked if it was a bad time and then left? The night the Hell-mouth opened?"  
"What's that got to do with...."  
"Do you remember?" Xander yelled angrily. Buffy nodded sulkily.  
"Well, guess why I barged in on you and Angel. Earlier I'd been at the Bronze when I'd run into Jack O'Tool. I had Uncle Rory's car, remember? Jack made me take him to the cemetery where we raised him 3 zombie pals. On the way back to the car I meet Giles, trying to contact the spirit guides. He tells me I can't help. My car is now full of zombies. Jack and the gang decide to rob a hardware store and guess whose car has just become the getaway vehicle? While I wait for them, I meet Willow, buying donuts. She says I can't help. I manage to get away from the zombies and rescue Faith from the big blue vampire maidens. We drive back to her place, have sex and she chucks me out in my underwear so she can shower. As I get dressed, I realise that Jack and the others are making a bomb. I came to you and Angel to ask where you thought they'd bomb. But it was a 'bad time' so I had to work it out alone. The bomb was in the school, in the boiler room. I outfaced Jack and got him to disarm it without getting blown up and without getting knifed by him. The next day, all I get is 'Be glad you weren't at school last night." None of you asked me where I was though! None of you, and you all saw me, thought my behaviour was in any way odd. 'Wandering around a cemetery at night?' Normal. 'Behaving in a guilty manner next to a broken window?' 'Bothering the star-crossed lovers at the mansion?' Just Xander! NOW do you think I can call you self-absorbed?"  
"We were saving the world! Besides, that's years ago, I've changed."  
"Two years and not like that you haven't. That's why I'm leaving. Without Willow, being treated as expendable just isn't worth it. There's nothing for me to stick around for."  
The others stared at him, expressions of mingled guilt, shock and sadness on their faces. Xander continued to speak, knowing that he was making the right choice.  
"Anya and I were almost finished anyway. I've no permanent job. I could go anywhere. It's time for me to go." He was speaking calmly now, confidence growing inside him.  
"If you need me, you can call me but I won't be living in Sunnydale any more." He paused, waiting for someone to say something. When no one did, he looked around.  
"I'll be going then. Thanks for everything and especially the tea, Giles. Nice knowing you, Riley. Goodbye Buffy, and good luck." Xander picked up his coat and walked out of the door without looking back. The night air was cool on his face and every step felt lighter than the last, as if he was breaking chains he didn't know he'd had. He was free!  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
All that's needed now is the happy ending! Again, it's already written so please REVIEW and I'll post it soon! 


	3. Resolution

The Ties that Bind

By the Black Goddess

Disclaimer: Not mine. Angel/Xander (finally!) Don't like, don't read.

The feeling of freedom lasted about half a block before reality began to catch up with him. What had he done? He'd just yelled at his friends, called them all self-absorbed and told them he was leaving for ever. The evening's events hit him like a punch from a Slayer and he almost staggered, the rest of the walk home passing in a blur. 

When he arrived at his basement, he let himself and collapsed on the bed. Trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, he considered his options. He could swallow his pride, blame his outburst on grief, rejoin the remaining Scoobies and see how the future went. No. Uncertain as he might be about what to do next, Xander was sure that he didn't want to do that. He felt that all his points had been valid. The Scoobies were going to drift apart, _had_ drifted apart, and going back was only postponing the inevitable. So. He had two, maybe three options. He could just pack up, get on a bus and stop where his money ran out, kind of like Buffy had done after the Acathla incident. He could stay with Angel 'til he got his own apartment in L.A, maybe work for Angel or maybe get another job but still see Angel. Xander already knew what he was going to do, but he made himself put the third option into words and pretend to consider it. He could stay in Sunnydale with Anya, without contact with Buffy. Nope, definitely not. 

"So it's L.A. or the open road," he said aloud. The open road was definitely tempting, but he'd be alone there, with no one to help him if things went wrong. Xander had been involved in demon-slayage for too long to assume that he could go anywhere without getting into some sort of demon-bother. 

"L.A. it is then," he said determinedly. "If Angel agrees, that is."

Angel returned a little while later, and gave Xander a questioning look. 

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"I told them I was leaving," said Xander manner-of-factly. 

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I just sort of said it," Xander mused. 

"What are your plans then?" asked Angel, regarding him impassively.

"Get a flat in L.A. then maybe work for you?"

"The flat part, sure, but I'm not sure about you working for me. I don't want you to get hurt." Xander looked at Angel intently, trying to work out whether the vampire was serious or not, but decided to pass over the comment.

"Then I'll get another job. It's not a problem," he said easily. "Especially if you can put me up until I get a place."

"I told you, you can stay as long as you like," 

"Don't tempt me!" grinned Xander. Angel looked shocked for a second.

"Joke, right?"

"Sorta, but you make me feel safe. Who could resist that?" Xander grinned, trying not to let his words feel too heavy.

"I'm not sure that's a compliment," Angel said, but since he was smiling, Xander assumed he hadn't taken offence.

"It was meant to be," he told him.

"I know." The two stared at each other for a moment which stretched until Xander said:

"Shall we go now or tomorrow evening?"

"Are you ready to go now?" asked Angel in surprise.

"Yep. I gotta call Anya and tell her I'm leaving, but then I'm ready."

"You do that. I'll stick this stuff in the car." Xander gestured to a couple of bags in the corner.

"That should be it," he said. Angel nodded and Xander reached for the phone.

Anya had obviously been waiting for his call. 

"Why haven't you called me?" she demanded before he had time to say more than his name.

"I've had a lot on my mind," he said apologetically.

"I could have helped," she said, and Xander was struck by the genuine hurt in her voice.

"I'm sorry Anya, but I... I don't know how this other than just to tell you that it's over."

"What's over?"

"Us. I'm sorry Anya but I don't see this relationship going any further."

"You're breaking up with me? Over the _phone_?"

"I'm leaving Sunnydale," Xander told her, unable to make any more excuses.

"Is there someone else?" Anya asked.

"No, I just decided it was time for me to move on, I'm sorry Anya - it was fun while it lasted."

"Fine, I'll go see Spike. Get the sex he promised me."

"Spike!" exclaimed Xander in surprise. He swallowed. 'It doesn't matter. It's over between you and Anya, what she does is her business.' None the less, he was unable to keep the irritation out of his voice, and his tone was sharp as he snapped:

"Fine, you do that. Have a nice life." He hung up before she could say anything else.

"Spike?" queried Angel, who had obviously come back from stowing their stuff in time to catch that part of the conversation.

"He's been hitting on Anya," Xander said, surprised by his own reaction to that piece of information. "She's either about to screw him or turning up for a repeat performance." Glancing at Angel and mistaking the vampire's expression for one of pity, not one of jealousy, he said

"It doesn't matter, we're out of here now anyway. Come on." Angel shook himself, then followed Xander out.

Things were a bit awkward when they got back to Angel's apartment. The memory of their kiss hung between them, adding shades to the conversation and causing both of them confusion. Angel wasn't sure whether Xander now regretted the kiss, if he would want things to go any further, and he didn't want to take advantage of the younger man. 

"He's having to adjust to a new life in a new place and the death of his best friend. Adding a gay relationship to that mix might not be the best idea." he told himself. But Xander's presence in the apartment tempted Angel, a lot. They took it more-or-less in turn for the bed so the sheets always smelt of Xander and the scent was driving him wild.

Xander was finding things just as difficult. He couldn't shake the idea that Angel was just being nice to him, helping him because he needed it and not for any other reason. He also found it very difficult sharing the apartment. The kiss had opened his eyes to Angel and he found it increasingly difficult to drag his attention away from the other man, and the longer he stayed in the apartment the worse the problem became.

As if all that wasn't enough, the situation with Cordelia was becoming difficult. The situation had started with slight sniping but was slowly but surely progressing to full-on warfare. He and Wesley had no such problems, simply ignoring each other completely. The only thing that gave Xander any hope at all was the fact that he'd managed to get a job working in the Sanctuary, which brought in money and got him out of the flat. Xander knew that very soon he'd have enough for a deposit on a place of his own and steady work would cover the rent. Xander picked up the paper and began flat-hunting in earnest.

Xander had been staying at Angel's for three rather uncomfortable weeks when he found an apartment which would suit him. He could afford it - just - and though it wasn't the height of luxury it would do. Now all that he had to do was tell Angel, something that he was surprisingly nervous about.

When the others had gone home and he and Angel were eating, well, he was eating and Angel was watching, Xander steeled himself to raise the subject. 

"I'll be able to move out soon," he said casually. "I've seen an apartment I like, I have three days to make up my mind but I can move in as soon as I pay the deposit."

"Oh." said Angel. "Good. I'd like to see you sometimes. I think we'll get on better when we're not on top of each other all the time."

"And here I was, thinking the problem was that we're not," joked Xander. He stood up to take his plate over to the sink. Angel stood too, moving round the table and kissing Xander almost before the other man had realised what he was going to do. The surprise lasted barely a moment however before Xander returned the kiss enthusiastically. 

When Angel finally broke the kiss, it was to give Xander a truly wicked look and ask:

"Do you want to go and solve that problem?" Xander nodded and the two headed for the bedroom.

**** 

Xander lay curled in Angel's arms, idly tracing patterns across the vampire's chest. 

"Maybe I should let that apartment go," he said thoughtfully. "We could try this new arrangement for a bit, see if it suits us better."

"We could," Angel said thoughtfully, enjoying the play of light on Xander's hair. "I can see a problem though," he added devilishly.

"What?" asked Xander worriedly. He propped himself on one elbow to look at Angel, searching the other man's face for signs that this was important. 

"Cordelia will go through the roof!" Angel grinned. Xander blinked and visibly relaxed.

"As to this business," Angel said, moving to take Xander in his arms again and planting a trail of kisses along his jaw to his lips, "I can't see much sleeping getting done!"

"I can live with that," breathed Xander, moving to kiss Angel back. 

****

Sometimes I wonder whether I made the right choice. Angel makes me feel safe, but is that why I'm living with him? Even I can see that that's not a great basis for a relationship.

I've probably made it harder for him. I'll get older and die and he won't. Maybe all I've done by coming here is make things harder for him. 

But things are easier for me here. Cordy and I get on better now, Wesley's not as bad as I might once have thought and there are fewer things to make me remember the bad times. I haven't heard from Buffy since I left, though Giles ahs phoned a few times. 

I'm moving forward now. It's odd; when Willow died I knew that nothing would ever be the same, yet I was the one who changed things. I'll always miss her and Jesse, but I don't brood over it. My life's too short and it's time for me to grow up. 

The End

A/N: Well, there you have it! REVIEW!!!!

In case anyone is bothered about the 'why hasn't he lost his soul' thing, I have several theories to allow my story to stand.

1. When Willow restored his soul, she may not have used quite the same ritual as the gypsies and she certainly had different motives. They restored his soul out of rage and grief, Willow did it for love and I think that the different motives could affect the magic, meaning that when Willow restored his soul it was going to stay restored - it wasn't supposed to be a punishment so it didn't have the 'one moment of true happiness' clause.

2. His years in hell also might have done something to change things. Apart from the whole 'other dimension' thing, wouldn't getting out of hell and realising that he was still alive, not in hell and Buffy was still alive (because he'd been in hell for what felt like 500 years to him, he would assume that time was the same in all dimensions and that Buffy was long dead) qualify as perfect happiness? Maybe after that, his soul is actually fixed.

3. (a more depressing theory) Who says that what they have is true happiness? Angel was definitely jealous about what Spike might or might not be getting up to, and he knows that Xander is in a delicate stage of his life. He might be afraid of taking advantage etc. which would prevent true happiness and make his soul safe.


End file.
